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Solicitors Jokes
Introduction
Solicitors take a lot of stick from clients during the moving process...and I have to confess that as a Removals Company Director I feel that it can often be unjustified...Yes you heard me right...unjustified. My attitude has softened over the years..(some say it is senility) and I now believe they are easy targets, sometimes caught in the crossfire of other peoples mistakes, so to speak. Of course, as with all activities, some Solicitors are better than others. Our Solicitors Links Page has links to Solicitors that have received positive recommendations from our clients.
Now onto the jokes....
By the way these have come from Solicitors Website...so they can certainly laugh at themselves..........
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
What do you call 10,000 dead solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
How can you tell when your solicitor is lying?
His lips move.
What’s the difference between a solicitor and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a solicitor to be?
She finds she craves baloney.
How many solicitors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.
How do you get a solicitor out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What do you have when a solicitor is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
What's the difference between a solicitor and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.
If you see a solicitor on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do you get when you cross a solicitor with The Godfather?
An offer you cannot understand.
What happens when you cross a pig with a solicitor?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Why are solicitors never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.
How many Commercial solicitors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Two solicitors were walking along negotiating a case "Look", said one, "Let's be honest with each other". "OK, you first", replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
What's the difference between a solicitor and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between God and a solicitor?
God doesn't think he's a solicitor.
What's the difference between a solicitor and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
A solicitor is a man who helps you get what’s coming to him – Laurence J Peter.
What's the difference between a solicitor and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead solicitor in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to solicitors for their experiments?
1. solicitors are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the solicitors;
3. There are some things a rat just won't do
What's black and brown and looks good on a solicitor?
A Doberman Pinscher.
What did the solicitor name his daughter?
Sue.
Why should solicitors be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.
How do you save a drowning solicitor?
Take your foot off his head.
What does a solicitor and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between a solicitor and a herd of buffalo?
The solicitor charges more.
Why did the post office recall the new solicitor stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile and asks "Do you serve solicitors here?" "We sure do", the bar tender answered. "Good," the man says "I’ll have a beer and my croc will have a solicitor".
How was copper wire invented?
Two solicitors fighting over a penny!
Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between solicitors and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What's the difference between a good solicitor and a bad solicitor?
A bad solicitor can let a case drag out for several years. A good solicitor can make it last even longer.
Why did the solicitor cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side.
Have you heard about the solicitor's word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
How do you tell the difference between a solicitor and a bulldog?
The bulldog generally has enough sense to know when to let go.
What is the difference between a solicitor and God?
God doesn’t think he is a solicitor.
Definition of a Contingency Fee: If the solicitor doesn’t win the case, then the solicitor gets nothing. If the solicitor wins the case, then the Plaintiff gets nothing.
What does a solicitor use for birth control?
His personality.
What is the only thing your solicitor isn’t willing to postpone?
Your bill.
What is the difference between a dry cleaner and a solicitor?
The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A solicitor can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
What's the difference between a solicitor on a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Three surgeons were discussing their favourite type of patients. The first said, "I like librarians. When you cut them open, everything is located by a numbering system". The second said, "I like engineers. All their parts are colour coded". The third surgeon said, "The easiest are solicitors. They have only two parts, their mouths and their backsides, and both are interchangeable".
A solicitor died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him inline to see Saint Peter. To his surprise, Saint Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the solicitor was, and greeted him warmly. Then Saint Peter and one of his assistants took the solicitor by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The solicitor said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
Saint Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Thanks to Cooper Parry for this one...
A partner, associate and paralegal were stranded on a desert island where they found a lamp. A judicious rubbing revealed a genie, who promised the trio three wishes.
‘I’d like to be speeding towards Monaco in my own top of the range sports car, on my way as the only male guest to Playboy’s annual playmates bash,’ said the associate.
‘Your wish is granted,’ said the genie, and in a flash he was gone.
‘I’d like to be sitting by a pool in Barbados with Tom Cruise, sipping a margarita,’ said the paralegal.
‘Your wish is granted,’ said the genie, and in a flash she was gone.
The genie turned to the partner. ‘And what is your wish?’
‘I’d like those two back straight after lunch.’
And Finally remember...
Old solicitors never die. They just lose their appeal.
© 1999 Rothera Dowson
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